It’s been a very long time since I’ve blogged, but then I haven’t had that much to say that couldn’t be said on Twitter or Facebook. But of late, something has been stirring in my head. The issue is MEN. That‘s right - the male of the species.
When visiting with a friend in Florida, she mentioned she no longer had any use for men, and that she was more than happy with the battery operated stand-in. I actually found that sad, because frankly I like men. I like they way they sound, the five o’clock shadow thing, the broader shoulders and the fact they can lift things that I sometimes can’t. I like the way they look so profoundly happy when you put food in front of them. Yes, I like them. I like men.
But lately it has dawned on me that there is a huge difference between a boy, a guy and a man. Because it has dawned on me that there are a lot of guys out there, but men are becoming increasingly rare. Here is the conclusion I’ve reached: a real man is deeply passionate and takes care of what is his and what he loves. Let me explain further. In nature, most alpha males fight to protect and defend territory. A male lion will sometimes fight to the death to defend his pride simply because if another male takes over that pride he instinctively kills off the other male’s offspring. And it should come as no surprise that vast majority of child abusers in our day are more often than not the male living in the house that is NOT the father of the children there.
Now I also know that the idea of monogamy has come under fire in our culture as well. There are the socio-hipsters (or the relationship challenged) that decry marriage and/or monogamy as an obsolete and antiquated institution. Many of them also go on to state that our nearest living relations (bonobos and chimps) are extremely happy in their sexually promiscuous ways, and therefore doesn’t it make sense for us too? Here’s the problem with that logic; these creatures (chimps and bonobos) also engage in group rape, incest and sexual contact with sexually immature juveniles within their family groups too. You can’t then cherry pick the behaviors; these are also the natural behaviors of our supposed closest living relatives. So to use them as a way to justify the ‘hit it and quit it’ sexual trends doesn’t really make all that much sense. Keep in mind that male bonobos also rub their scrotums together after a conflict. Do we want to see male athletes do likewise after all major sporting events in lieu of high five-ing each other? I think not (and I sincerely hope not!!!)!!!!
What it means to be a man has been lost in our culture. Do I blame the feminist movement? - not entirely. Some of the blame can be placed at the feet of what we (men and women) ourselves have embraced as a culture as manly. We have an idiot that stays in his pajamas and sips Pepsi while surgically enhanced breasts frolic in the grotto all day. He blathers on that he’s truly a feminist, and he’s built an empire called “Playboy”. What is obvious is that MAN is nowhere to be found in that title, and for good reason. Why? Because his ‘hit it and quit it”, sometimes serial brand of monogamy is what women need protection from. Granted there are women that even now will sleep with him, but this is based purely on a perverted or distorted need to self-protect. Many of these women believe that he can and will help their careers, which in turn will be the means of self-support (self-protection) in the future. After all, they can’t really believe he’d care for them enough to protect them with his fidelity or emotionally support their progeny, and they probably know that going in.
Many women find themselves attracted to bad boys. I confess, I once did too. They so often display many of the characteristics of true men, but alas they aren’t; they fall short. They look, sound and smell like men. They seem very capable of protecting what they love and what is theirs, but too often they have a very small, small perception of that means. Too often, what is theirs only extends to their personal possessions and what lies in wait behind their zippers. Very, very small umm. . .thinking on their part (okay thatI was bad, but I couldn‘t resist). Again, there is a reason why ‘boy’ is predominant in that title as well. Here’s another characteristic of a real men - they are driven to build something of lasting value. A bad boy’s character and behavior is more inclined to pull things down than build. In other words, bad boys are short sighted when it comes to their decision and behaviors which are often self-destructive as well.
There is a cautionary tale in the Bible about such a bad boy. Believe it or not, his name was David. David liked the ladies and had a sizable number of wives and concubines. He had an adulterous affair with Bathsheba, and when she became pregnant from that affair, David had her husband Uriah killed (today he probably would have taken her to a clinic). The question was if he killed Uriah to protect himself or Bathsheba, but I suspect it was both. While David had a unique place in God’s heart, let’s face it - you wouldn’t want to live next door to him. Probably God saw that David would eventually understand that his bad boy behavior would produce a profoundly bitter fruit that was of his own making.
However, David most likely didn’t love or emotionally support or protect those wives or children; they were on their own. When his beautiful daughter Tamar was raped by her half brother Amnon, David did nothing to protect her or address the issue. When Amnon was murdered by Absalom (Tamar’s full brother), again David was strangely absent and/or silent. When Absalom rebelled against him, David was impotent to either fight him, or save Absalom from himself. When Absalom took ten of David’s remaining concubines to the roof and had sex with them as an act of disdain and rebellion, David could do nothing. David’s ability to effective shape or reach Absalom’s heart and conscience were too far gone for his father‘s feeble, unprotecting brand of love. When one of his subjects, Shimei, Son of Gera threw rocks at him and ridiculed him, David caused his soldier to stand down because he had to admit he deserved it. This was probably the first manly thing David did since he slew Goliath.
Now the reason that multiple partners is such a bad idea is this - it inhibits us from really protecting what we do love. When a man has a lot of women, if he loves any of them (which is unlikely), he is utterly incapable of protecting them. First, he’s incapable of protecting his sex partners from one another; just look at all the fist fights on the Jerry Springer Show if you need proof. Secondly, he’s spread too thin to care, protect and teach those children from those unions. Being a teacher, I’ve seen this first hand. Most of the children that lack direction, focus and have behavioral problems more often than not do NOT have a loving, protecting father present in the home.
A word about female infidelity should be added here. When a woman is unfaithful it diminishes a man that she might love too. Not only does he doubt himself and his ability to please her sexually, he is not able to adequately protect her - from the other man (men) or from her own worst impulses. This frustrates a real man’s impulse to protect what is his, and what he loves. In addition, there is no incentive to protect a child that might not genetically be his. I heard it said on “The Millionaire Matchmaker” by one of Patti’s consultants that a man might lust for a woman, but it is ultimately her character that he will (or will not) fall in love with. You can watch “Pretty Woman” till the cows come home, but most men have no intention of marrying a sexually promiscuous woman (adventurous yes - but only with him). Why? Because it’s just as difficult to protect that woman from her past as well.
Here’s a little factoid: The Kama Sutra (that’s right, the Kama Sutra) states that a woman that has had eight or more lovers is equal to a consort or prostitute. Maybe that’s part of that culture for the reasons stated above?
Now I’m going to say something that will make a feminist’s head explode. I’m going to let you guys in on a secret. When women say that men are simple, and women are just so much more evolved and emotionally complicated - that’s bullshit. That’s right!!! You heard me - bullshit. Every woman wants a protector and champion. She might not need a champion and protector, but she wants one anyway. And I’m not talking about those *sshole guys that say stuff like “submit woman!!, where are my slippers and pipe!” Those are self-involved bad boys that have given real men a bad rap. I could tell you stories about those guys, but that‘s another blog.
Okay, I swear I heard a few heads explode like overripe melons. But let’s be honest here about biology and hardwiring for a moment. When a woman has sex - she really is physically at her most vulnerable, often emotionally, but definitely physically. She needs to feel desired, protected and above all else, safe.
Now I’m sure a few guys heads are about to burst, and they’re about to say - nah Carol - nice guys finish last. The women I know seem to like the guys that abuse them and treat them like crap. Here’s the problem - nice guys tend to come across as pushovers, and therefore not wholly able to protect them. Bad boys might seem to be able to protect them, but don’t want to because they are after all boys in heart and mind. That’s the problem that most women need to address - being able to discern and see the real men from the bad boys and wimps.
Now as I see it, we have two choices in our culture. We can continue on this present path of serial monogamy, “hit it and quit it” sexuality and the friends of benefits crap and see what happens. I’m sure there are the self proclaimed sophisticated people that will say that my ideas while quaint, are backward and antiquated. But I have to ask this? Reverting to the behaviors of our supposed nearest living relatives like chimps isn’t backward thinking??????
And men - aren’t you tired of jokes like “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Aren’t comments like “you’re not as good as a battery operated toy” and “are only walking and talking sperm dispensers” starting to bother you? They should. They should annoy any real man. They should really annoy a guy that’s considering becoming one too.
And why am I telling you this? Because I like men, and I want to see real men make a real comeback. Real women need you.
